S&M

As the summer slowly creeps in, I notice: some people are settling down, some people are just settling and some people, like myself, simply refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.

...and so, I wonder...

what's with all the settling? would you settle for half an empty carton of french fries when you clearly ordered a super-size? Would you settle for a B, when you KNOW you deserve an A? If you answered "no," then why plea bargain your heart? Or, in the alternative, for those who do wait for those butterflies, what happens when nothing comes of it? Then you, too become a victim of settling-settling for the hurt that ensues unrequitted butterflies. No? Perhaps.

Just wondering why are we innately masochistic? Or is it that I'm just a masochist? I always looked at people who believed in S&M in a different light. Neither praising nor judging the behavior- I just looked at them ...differently. Oddly. Until recently, I developed a S&M relationship of my very own. Except this one had not whips, and chains no spanking. It wasnt a S&M in a sexual way. It was an emotional S&M--S&M, sadism and masochism, is comprised of one who inflicts pain and one who takes the pain--and thats exactly what it was. He would hurt me, and I would come back. smh. I didnt know where i went wrong? I didnt settle. I waited for my butterflies-and got someone who made me feel as if he ripped off their wings. So is it come to pass that pain really is pleasure? Le Doleur Exquisite, perhaps?

:sigh:

:shruggs:

TBC

Jay

Street Education III: The Revolution

Here it is, Street Education part three
More lessons on politics and economy
The pressure of rebuilding a nation has increased
Intensity gratifies, but no real release
Stimulus package passed for numerous reasons
Spend more money seems like more of a treason
Breach of industrial power is a reason
To take from the poor and give to the greedy
There's so much corruption for me to despise
Rape and genocide brings tears to my eyes
But what hurts more is when
Babies awaken in the dark
Spark tears of fear inside
But their mothers are saddened
For they can't afford to turn the lights on
To see the tears of their child's eyes
Why spend money in a third world country?
When our people live on the street dirty and hungry
Traveling to Europe, making "peace" with the Martians
When kids, in your own cities are starving
The shit this country does is so irritating
We're the most divided country in the United Nations
So independent but yet ever so shady
Finally a colored president, and the world goes crazy
This is the reason for political teachings
This is the reason to stand w/a meaning
Violent acts of criminal invasion
Erupt like volcanoes around civilizations
Lava pours into the streets
Increases all the heat
That waves inflation through
The windows of the houses w/nothing
More than a bed and a set of sheets
A refridgerator broken and no food to eat
No pot to piss in, no shower to wash feet
they says death is at the tip of the tongue
And danger's at the tip of the fingers
Without knowledge, all souls are losts to the streets
And the lives linger
Like in part II, it's 2009
But due to the madness it feels like 1869
When is God's little light ever gonna shine?
When will people do more than embrace and drink wine
The country is dying
Without street education, there is no knowledge nor design
No hope from escaping the decline
No hope from destroying the poverty line
For as we know we will cease to exist
Because it take more than miracles
For all this mess to be fixed

Street Education II: Reloaded

It's Part II of street education
Black president in office of the struggling nation
Forever deep in a debting civilization
No it will not change, there's the double negation
Positively true by a false interpretation
Of hypothesis given by a scientific notation
Not the digits of Arabic numeration
A wealthy theory in the midst of financial segregation
Completely disrupts the past's integration
And further burdens the growth of economic rotation
Cycles of stability lost with no revelation
Will there be unity or just more ignorant isolation
Minds up in space like constellations
Way out in the field, like farms and plantations
Rising up slow creating escalation
And taking them out, process of elimination
Brains refrain from physical calculation
Not reaching full potential, therefore having limitation
Quitting on life, more reason for invasion
Of the delinquents that turn to criminal facilitation
Waiting on the chance for infinite vacation
From the prison cells that have caused an inflation
Of confused and cripple minds, with mental relations
Smothered by misfortunes, unlucky suffocation
2009, time for revive, and resuscitation
No need for speed, risks speak high of temptation
I guess you say, the sweet serenation
Applies to current plans for stimulus proclamation
But the people should not give in to these acclamations
The government's plan is just more bullshit translations
Need I say more, well this is just a continuation
As I said before, there's no end to street education

Street Education

Soooo FINALLYYY..I finished this piece. Its a trilogy I've been trying to finish forever, but always abandoned it..and soo, part I. Enjoy.


Street education, intriguing interpretation
Dating back to prehistoric civilization
Before Geico came cavemen remained deep within isolation
Greeks, Romans, wars between nations
Discovering the new world a historic situation
Civil Wars, Slavery abolished after Emancipation Proclamation
Reports of 100 percent freedom were inaccurate evaluations
Because of crimes committed because of whistling accusations
I still say we're still waiting for liberation
But everything's backwards like a recursive rotation
A document was signed to help free this nation
But liberation in reverse is the Independence of Declaration
In 2008, a new breed but the same street education
One man's dream still being fulfilled even after his assassination
Sports, music, media are excretory like urination
Robbery, rape, assault murder by strangulation
Suicide attempts after disturbing college campuses with fears of no more respiration
Today's random events similar in identification
Basketball and sex different but same simulation
Unprotected baskets lead to flawless and unsafe penetration
The knowledge must be spread to prevent global domination
Because there is no end to street education

Ping-Pong, anyone?!

Ever had a deluge of questions ping pong-ing in & out of your subconscious?

Am i failing at life? PING

Do i pursue my PhD in NYC? PONG

Can i possibly win this case? PING

Am i being the best ME? PONG

Should i believe in his words? PING

Should i fight the feeling i get from his touch? PONG

He's not mine. Am i wrong? PING

Do i even care, if i'm wrong?! PONG

See? PING-PONG!

It seems that everytime [i] ping, [i] look for the answer in a pong; so that [I] can create cosmic symmetry.

So here's the match set-up: where the Id & SuperEgo are opponents battling it out, using my heart as its ball, and my life as its tournament table. Sounds pretty eratic, doesn't it?! Yea, well, welcome to my head.

The Id wants him.

The SuperEgo prefers Pride.

Where's ego, you ask? Its absence is what brought about this insane game..smh.

The score keeper...the one who's doomed my heart.......him.

TBC

xoxo,

Jay

What Moves U?

Is it the belief that all you have to do
is get into action
to cause a reaction
so that some traction can stir mobility
and put into play?

Is it the belief that what you seek
is all in your reach
if you keep the faith to believe
that your train is coming
in the next station one day?

Why do you do what you do
when you do what you do
to who you do
whenever you do it with?

I wonder..
why we people
try and deny
that we have ulterior motives
when we do things.

It seems feasible to say
that on any given day
I’m doing what I want to do to please me

...just Jay...

and that just may
piss you off.

But Hey,
aren’t you doing the same too?
It may not be for me,
but you’re busy trying to please you.

I just think that we need to

...STOP…

take a minute to reflect on what moves us.
It’s time to be TRUE
and own up to what drives us.

Maybe it’s that house and the car,
or maybe you have had a childhood dream
that you would be the next star
singing under spotlights.

Maybe it’s the love of a lifetime…
and maybe it’s time to press

::PAUSE::

…and find a just cause
explaining the reason
and the scheme for it all.

It’s been said by wise men before me
that emphatically…
if you don’t know why you do something
you should be locked up
and committed for your own safety.

Fighting Butterflies....

Ever suffered from those intermittent butterflies?! you know the ones that flutter in ur tummy & make you smile for no reason..smh. PFT. Well, today I woke up determined to fling those butterflies away!! I have made a conscious decision to fight the urge to feel them. They started last night..jodiendo! At first they were winning..a little 'SMH' here..a little smile there...& the butterflies grew in mass & strength! and soo I flung some away, karote kicked the others..and by the end of the night/early morning I managed to take back control! First step..a cleansing of all electronics....bbm contact..DELETED...myspace contact..DELETED..FB..um, well never had it, but rest assured that would have been deleted, also.lol. Twitter followers..DELETED.

And soo, a moment of hindsight & self-reflection. Regrets?... The first hello? the first kiss? the first embrace? hmm I can't say, come back a few days for that one. Would i do it again? :shruggs: TBC



xoxo,
JAY

Poetic Intercourse

Poetry...
Entered me deeply
I climaxed
And couldn't stop it
.

Poetry had me
Writing multiple pieces
And left me leaking
Acrostics

. . .
P.oetry had my thong...completely saturated...and with
L.oose leaf sheets.... i became infatuated...
E.very single line...needed to be touched
A.nd I wrote rough...with extremes exclamations...anticipation...set in and
S.ubmission...was
E.xcluded...domination became must, stanza after stanza I produced them

F.eeling an
U.ndeniable sense of
C.arnel desire...
K.nowing poetry would take me there...a level higher...I

M.ade love...to my inner thoughts...and spilled my ink...at all costs
E.ntirely...allowing myself...to think completely and utterly raw .

P.ulling every thought
O.ff my cerebral walls
E.lecting to become nude... I began to call...Poetry's name
T.hinking out loud
R.eserving nothing...letting it all out...releasing myself...mentally...so
Y.ou could see me...physically
. . .
Penning the reality
Of my spoken words
And every single thing
That i felt

.

I needed to say...

.

I said it...
And it felt good
Riding the pen

.

But now that it's done
And over with
I'll never write it again . .

Again

That night was a warm one
Walking up the block towards home
Not a thought in the world was about you
I haven't seen you since our last goodbye....

. . . .
Me with tears in my eyes and my heart in my hand
"Your writing emails about having another woman?"
Those words echoed through my head
As ink from my pen bled
on the paper i used to write my final words
Instead I chose
to turn my back on the lies you say
Off my phone, email..all of those
I tossed and turned in my sleep that day
Pushed you far away
No contact
no nothing
Just away you were
. . . .

But anyway...

That night was warm and I was walking
My phone rang beside me and I didn't care to look
Until I read the number....3....1...
That number that has put me to bed many nights
The number that has been the source of internal fights
Accept.

..Hi...

Tantalizing conversation led to a scandalizing invitation..
Knock.

...Hi...

My eyes began to shed a tear as I attempted to look away...

....Sooo, um, how was your day?.....

A kiss from a taken man was placed on my lips
Passionate raptures that captures pure lust
Indecent proposals one should forget
this is where our story began .....

yet

again

Know me?

A genetic mutt of several races
Embracing many cultures
Yet you make me chose
I am easily defined by my Latin Grandmothers and Grandfathers
But my White grandparents,
Their blood flows through me too
I don’t fit in with him, her, them or you
‘Little spanish girl, with all that light hair on your head,
your hair's not even curly" the little girls said
“You do well in school and talk right”
“Girl, you think you white”
“Slant eyed girl, sit with your own kind”
The white girls would chime
“You can’t be one of us
With you strange features, short and big butt"
Lonely and hurt by the things they said
I escaped in literature
As Hemmingway, Emerson, Hughes and Cleaver I read
In Music I found an equal escape
Hathaway, Parker, Ellington, Coltrane, Wonder, Redding, Bach and Mozart
You never saw me without a book or a cassette tape
I prayed every night to wake up and fit in
Because growing up I never had a best friend
I matured mentally and physically well beyond my years
One more reason I would not fit in with my peers
So if in looking at my exterior my essence you're trying to find
You will never know my truth as
I am eclectic and not easily defined

SMH...

Funny how naïve I can be
Not seeing what’s
Right in front of me
Wanting to uncover
An alternative possibility
For me and he

I’m not blind, but
Between my thighs
I lose my mind
Then in hell
Myself I find

Yet

Still

I seek his slow grind

Like that of a bird
Seeking South
A baby‘s thumb
Seeking its mouth

A question
Seeking why
A tear
Chasing a cry
::sigh::
That’s me and this guy

“Come to me, lover”
To him I say
When I know
He should
Stay . . .
. . . .Away

C[u]m Fly W[i]th me...

Close your eyes
Take my hand
Come with me
To Never Never Land

In this land
You and I will be one
Doing whatever we desire
We will answer to no one

We will explore Never Never Land
One inch at a time
My dreams will be yours
Your dreams will be mine

The forbidden fruits we hold
Will be free for us to share
No rules no regulations
All in lust will be fair

Your body will be my playground
As mine will be yours
Six Flags over Never Never Land
Exclusive every hour tours

With hours of sharing
Our thoughts feelings and dreams
We will simplify mental complications
And iron out physical seams

Our souls will share the same space
Our hearts the same beat
If you come with me to Never Never Land
Umm our time there will be so sweet

To: Mommy/ From: Your Never-Born

Mommy you tore me from your womb
Like you reached inside and choked me to death
Your stomach became my resting place
I never got the chance to develop the features that appear on your face

Though its not your fault
I place the blame on you and only you
Maybe if you would have stayed in the house instead of going out
Then in your stomach i'd still be growing

Mommy I told God I wasnt supposed to be in Heaven yet
He told me I was right and you would suffer for that
Now I see the pain your enduring..and I beg of God to stop
He says that once you grow from these lessons he bring you some good

So mommy listen to me please
Dont beat youself up
Because for my death I do forgive you
Just promise me that when my little brother or sister enters your womb
You will take better care of yourself so your belly doesnt become their tomb

Cardiac Infection

Emotions...
are like bacteria...
growing unseen and
multiplying fast...
Often causing intense delirium,
with no projection of how long
symptoms will last.

Emotions engulf the mind of its vic',
creating distortions--
mirages of the cardiac muscle's pick....
And it spirals out of control,
to others in proximity,
until everyone ends up terminally sick...

It often goes
undiagnosed,
or in some cases merely untreated...
until the pathogen spreads
throughout the heart chambers,
leaving the soul emotionally defeated.
Out of desperation to stop the pain,
the victim often seeks out false hope...
searching for inadequate remedies
that act as mere bandaids,
disguised as the viral antedote.

But alas to no avail,
the cardiac tissue continues to wither,
first starts out with a few faint tears
but the gash rips open,
bigger and bigger...
Until the patient's heart loses consciousness,
and the eyes become vacant...
and the scars that disfigure now visible
as their faith in love has been taken...
Vulnerability put on park,
as the soul grows dark
and the patient codes blue
unable to battle the infection corsing thru....

Perhaps another perspective will combat my views,
which is cool,
but for many my observations ring true...
And I think I should know
better than most,
as I ink this, hooked up to machines
dying in the ICU.