unadulterated

U.nrestricted explicit expressions...
N.ude, and unmasked, viewer discretion..is not
A.dvised....open your eyes...and look
D.eeply...into my soul...enter me...very slowly...and begin to
U.nravel...my emotions...keep on stroking...until you feel my
L.ove flowing freely...
T.reat me...like you need me...to compliment you...completely...
E.velop me...in pure pleasure...enrapture me...beyond simple measure
R.ead me...orally...and devour my...poetic treasure...
A.ssume your position...on your back in submission...cause baby it's my
T.urn now...i wanna know you...beyond the surface...immerse myself...and drown...
E.very drop of you i want to absorb,from the outside into core,open your pores
D.esires' anticipated...I want to make love to you...emotionally unadulterated

2 men diverged in a wood..

As i look down the road there two men i see

One is the one i love

the other is in love with me...



Soooooo which 1 do i choose?!! I think i made an observation that kinda answers my question...



One loves me unconditionally, without pretenses and truthfully, without a REASON!! no phone call from me does he receive. No attention. No consideration. No anything..smh. yet and still, as assuring as the sun rises and sets each day..he is there if i need him. He knows more about me than i know about myself. For every tear i've spilled over the other guy, he has replaced with a smile. It is only now, that life has forced me to humble myself, that i appreciate his love for me. Yet, and still, I....love the other.



and now..the other! The other, i love. The other, i have fallen in love with. The other, doesn't love me. He doesn't care. At my darkest hour, he's left me for dead to deal with things alone. He takes and doesnt give. He drains. He doesnt know how i wish to take away his pain and confusion. He doesnt know how much i would want to help him succeed, nor that i really care. Shit, he doesnt even know my favorite color. Doesn't care to know. And yet, he is the other...I...love the other.

At any given day, I chose "the other" and on any given day, "the other" would walk right past me. And so today, i say that tho i love u, other of mine, our few memories will remain as such....mere memories. And whenever i'm tempted to take a first class trip into your world..i'll remember. Remember the little of good and remember the lots of bad etched in time...



.....for we'll always have......

We now interrupt the regularly scheduled program of "Jay: the hot mess" to bring you this newsflash. . . .

ok, so clearly, i am a hot mess. My blogs of doom can testify to that (lol). The last few weeks have been a struggle emotionally, mentally, and physically.

Im

in searh of comfort. . .

yet

i remain inconsolable.

in search of an answer. . .

yet

i only find more questions.

in search of him. . .

yet

i find heartbreak.

I dont seem to be recooperating..so when u cant fix a broken appliance, buy a new one. And that is what this is about..displacement or rather is it deflection?! ANNNYYYYYYWAY, so yea..I've never been good at helping myself..CLEARLY..but i've always been good at helping others..

i learned today that CDF is having an awards/benefit dinner in D.C. the day of my bday...yaaayyyyy!! i want to goooooo. Those FEW that know me know that i loooovveeeee children, and aminals (purposely misspelled), and ice cream, and cookies, and words..ok i'm done lol. but yea smiling ppl make my heart smile..so i'm hoping that instead of looking for solace in his arms..i find them in the smiles of ppl who are in need of help

Children's Defense Fund...look it up...

http://www.childrensdefense.org/who-is-cdf/

Meet me in my nightmares...

I'm through fighting...
I'm through battling to
win you and your kiss...
who wants to exchange spirits
with lying lips?
Don't pretend like you
really wanna know how I'm doin'...
cuz it's just self gratification
you're pursuing...you like the thought
of me drowning in a pool of my
tears of despair...induced by you and the
heartless things you do...it's like you
have this insatiable need to
reach through my flesh and
pull my bleeding heart from me...
just to watch the blood drip
from the tips of your fingers...
you want me to hear you say my name
and have your voice linger...
an incessant echo...driving me insane...
but...I can't hear you anymore...
nor can I feel...and it's not
because I've healed...
it's because I've been muted...
apathetic through to the core of me...
and there's nothing more in me
then
cold criticism and cynical sarcasm...
You took the sparkle from my eye...
held it in the palm of your hand...
and pissed on it to
extinguish it...
there's no room in my bubble for you...
I'm not going through the trouble of
having you in my life... I'm through...

but what I can do...

is meet you in my nightmares...
because when we're there...
you make love to me once again...
and then...I slice and dice you
with my razor sharp tongue...
and I watch you bleed to death...
I close my eyes and drift to bliss
as I listen to the sounds of your
rattled breath...and I resurrect you...

each and every night...
meeting you there in my nightmares...
where I can have you inside me again...
and put an end to the torture that came
as a repurcussion
of
ever
loving
you...

I'll meet you in my nightmares boo.

....I sat alone....

I sat alone...
.
.
.
Gathering my thoughts
In the darkest corner
Of my life
.
As I wiped the tears
That built in the crevices
And fell from the lashes
Of my eyes
.
Wondering why...
.
I couldn't hold them inside...
.
And why...
.
My chest felt so tight
.
And why ...
.
If I wanted to scream out
The lump in my throat
Would silence the cry
.
I just wanted to breathe...
.
For once in my life
Without wondering when
My precious time
.
Would be up
.
And I'd have to pack up
Every single emotion
I brought to the table
.
After being able
And more than willing
To hand over my life
To be a part of his
.
Caring so much
For so little
.
Excited
That my indictment
Carries
A life sentence
.
In the state of loneliness
.
In solitary
Disown.me.ness
.
I'm innocent...
.
But no matter
How many times
I say the shit
.
The jury consists of them
And they're not in my favor
And my lawyer is a public defender
.
Working on the side
Opposite of mine
This summer feels
Like the coldest winter
.
Because my fingertips
Are icy cold
.
From having nothing
To grasp or hold
. .On to . .
Except thoughts running through
The empty spaces
Once occupied by you . . .

He Defines Poetry...

He...
defines poetry...
ripping open his chest he
dips his fingers into his soul...
filling his quill
with his very own blood...
and he pens pieces of
mastery...
for he...
defines poetry.

He...
defines poetry...
facing stark reality...he
pens the truth
and his
raw verbage
and
metaphoric mastery
are the proof...
for he...
defines poetry.

He...
defines poetry...
pulling his reader
between his lines...he
injects his pain
into their minds...
he touches their flesh...
and their soul sighs...
he breathes
blissful memories
into the psyche....
making one believe
the are living in his his.story
for he...
defines poetry.

He...
defines poetry....
his humbled ink
filled with philosophy
causes even the most complex mind
to think...
pondering his wisdom...
equaling that of a sage...
he personifies
Kings and rulers
page by page
for he...
defines poetry.

He...IS...poetry...
poetry personified...
he is inspiration beheld by my eyes...
pen and ink
his heart and blood....
for he...

he defines poetry.

Hi, I'm Jay. The believer.

Sooo I lost my ipod in the abyss known as my room. FML. In losing my ipod, I was forced to get on the train alone, with my thoughts. Once again, FML. There I sat, thinking, thinking, thinking. Then I thought about a quote I had read long ago: "If someone tells you who they are, believe them." Simple yet so utterly complex when put into practicum. Ingenius!

People..NO ...*scratching that* rather, I...like to see the good in ppl. The potential. Except not everyone is dowed with potential and not everyone is good. So it goes back to the proverbial "if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck....ITS A DUCK!" I remembered the above-mentioned quote and snobbishly thought "PFT..thats easy! why even make that a quote!" But yet when you really think about what Maya Angelou meant by that quote..you realize ..its not.

For the longest I wanted to believe that the prince charming found in my nightmares had the potential to be kind, insightful, and an overall decent guy. Thats what I potentially saw in him. I was so caught up in what i thought i saw IN him, that i didnt see HIM. I wasnt paying attention when his actions were TELLING me that he was an asshole, he was a liar, he was selfish, a cheater, a psuedo-intellect, a poser. His actions told me. I didn't believe.

..and so, lesson for today...If someone tells you who they are, believe them.

I get it....
He's an asshole.
I'm a believer.


Fondly,
Jay

Ode to Sexiness...

They say
I am so sexy
Lucky me
The boys all want to
sex me
I'd rather be lovely
Then maybe
Someone might
actually...
love me.
Men adore me
Women hate me.
Men dub me sexy.
All I want is for somebody
To see the real me.

Bet those men don’t know I feel their hands
Groping me
Molesting me
Defiling me
with Debauchery
All by the way
they
look at me.

They see a body.
Not a heart.
Not a soul.
Nor do they even stop to think
I have a mind of my own.

I’m a woman of Incredible depth and intelligence.
A beauty graced with sensitivity.
A humanitarian.
Best known as a "Good Samaritan."
and when they are caught in the act of
visual lust
it makes me want to scream..
I could be someone's mother.
I am a daughter.
I am a sister, Mister!
I AM a WOMAN
Not your pornographic fantasy.
As I’m walking down the street..
I see you
Undressing me
Aggressively caressing me
And you seriously think
You’re impressing me?

Do me a favor
Look into my eyes
… Stop, please…
realize
I do NOT enjoy
Being objectified…
Measure my I.Q.
Rather than my bra size..

Thanks! hmph.

Where i'm from

i am from...
fresh baked pies and cookies...
and vegetable gardens...
i am from the beautiful landscape....
the beautiful yard behind the picketed fence...
amidst the perfect 4 bedroom home...

i am from the willow trees...
willows sagging and weeping for me...
from the lilac bushes...
and the rainbow of annual and perennial colors...

i am from Easter Egg hunts...
and alchoholism....
Grandma hung over
every Easter morning...

i am from Uncle Richie....
who came home strung out every Christmas Eve...
and fought mom at the family gathering...
and we were always the first to leave...

i am from Aunt Lily...
the "black sheep" of the family...
the baby
who had babies...
but would later saved my dad's life with the precious give of her kidney....

i am from Grandpa and Grandma Esquilin....
habitual alcoholics who taught me how to curse...

I am from...
generational curses of hypocrisy....
from depression and anxiety....
from "You can't ever tell anybody"....
from "Do as I say....and not as I do"....
from "Dry it up before I REALLY give you something to cry for"
... and...my favorite:
"this is going to hurt me....more than it hurts you...."

i'm from strong Puerto Rican heritage
.... from..."Siempre pide la bendicion"
... from ..white rice & fried eggs
from "Esta nina, ay dios!"...

i am from Grant Avenue....
from the beer store on the corner of 167 and Gerard....
the spot where my first succesful forgery occured...
where i wrote a note from my mother...
granting myself permission to purchase my first pack of beer
24 years later...
i've gone from beer to whiskey and hav no liver...
not realizing...
i was risking my life each and every time...

i am from
"i'm out of here" at age 14...
i am from
"Don't you come back"...
i am from...emancipation papers at age sixteen...
from...Keith Sweat...and Al B Sure...
from Ready for the World when i wasn't ready for SHIT....

i'm from drive by shootings and nights spent in jail...
from "You know I love you"... lies told...just so I could pay the bills....
i'm from...no longer loving who I saw in the mirror...
from attempting to dull the voices I could always hear...

i'm from "I do" at age 17...
from body worn out from repetetive miscarrying...
i'm from...
damn...
i aged way too fast...
i'm from...slow down...
make each moment last...
i am from...
the good
the bad
... more ugly
than pretty...

but

where I am from...
made me...
uniquely

I will embrace each and every
memory succinctly....

Just like us, no title.

Tangled by misery,
Haunted by pain,
Living insecurity,
Sitting next to shame...

Looking so blind,
Hearing so deaf,
I want to intertwine,
With the dreams I have kept...

Thinking of you,
While dreaming of me,
My heart is so confused,
About my destiny...

I dared to love you deep,
My heart so divine,
Spending precious moments,
Wasting precious time...

Suffering in silence,
Wasted by wait,
Tortured by truth,
Frighten by fate...

What should I do;
Where should I go?
Whom do I trust;
When would I know?

Why do I try;
How can this be?
Giving my heart,
For eternity...
All this for you,
See what you do.

Stand & Deliver

I was warned to keep my pages closed
To keep my lusty desires at bay
But I’ve never been good at taking advice
I had to learn things the HARD way

My cherry blossom pages
Had not been touched in ages
So when you showed me your shiny pen
I knew I must open wide and allow it in

I opened as wide as I could
But my notebook was still a little too tight
So with your cap you coerced the flow of my pages
Then your pen slid in just right

With such warmth and passion
You penetrated my pages' depth
Wider and wider you spread them
Thrusting to the right and then to the left

L
O
N
G

&

H
A
R
D

Was your stoke
Your pen stained my pages perfectly

S
O
F
T

&

W
E
T

Was my notebook
You seemed amazed at her beauty

Pen[etrated] satisfaction
We said it would be just one night
But your Bic continued to show up between my sheets
And each time I was excited to let you write

As our collaboration continued
We found ourselves in the midst of a love story
You removed the cap of your pen
And advised me not to worry

But then there was that night
When my pages were loose and hot
I seduced you to write harder and harder
Overcome with passion you released the biggest blot

This time was not like the others
As your pen completely and aggressively unloaded
Almost instantly I knew the pleasure growing in me
As I looked at my notebook and it was bloated

Our poetic love making has taken on a life of its own
Between my pages your ink blot was filed
Now we are connected forever
I proudly stand and deliver our poetic love child

Truth or Dare...

I DARE you to love me
Enough to give me the TRUTH
To feel and acknowledge real emotions
To resist being so aloof

Leaving yesterday behind us
Not looking too far into tomorrow
But being firmly planted in today
As in love we borrow

Feelings, thoughts and attitudes
Shared interpersonal attraction
Closeness, sharing and caring
Transcending sexual passion

Fueled by an eternal connection
That leaves me willing and able
To step outside of what is conventional
Completely embracing this experience ineffable

No longer seeking understanding
Or wasting time trying to explain
I release myself to the universe
I DARE you to do the same....

Begin

Rictameter - it consist of 9 lines. The first and last lines are the same.
line 1: two syllables line 2: four syllables
line 3: six syllables line 4: eight syllables
line 5: ten syllables line 6: eight syllables line 7: six syllables
line 8: four syllables line 9: two syllables same as first


Begin
To feel again
As in your heart love blooms
Your soul dances to a new tune
And you realize the beauty in you
Embrace the woman you've become
When you let the pain go
To love you will
Begin

Dear....

Dear mom..wassup pops,
i know [u] dont know me and i know yo[u] dont care
but i'm writing to forgive [u] for all the things we didn't share.
i guess i wasnt meant to be
but for a moment think of how it would of felt if [u] would have kept ME
yo[u] never knew me, daddy
and mom yo[u] never told a soul
your figure had no chance to get bigger
and MY life was never my own
yo[u] missed my laugh, a smile yo[u] never got a glance
i know i had your love, mom
but with dad, i never had a chance.
My first words will never be heard
my first step will never be taken
i tried to connect with yo[u] but,
the love i felt never made it thru
im not angry with yo[u] guys, i know it was yo[ur] choice
ill never look into your eyes, be held in your arms or hear your voice.
maybe if yo[u] weren't so coward yo[u] would have made a better decision
MY life was never mine to start living.
it wasn't MY fault
it was [UR] mistake
all i did was show up and my life yo[u] had to take
if yo[u] make it to heaven ill see yo[u] one day
jus wanted to let yo[u] two know i forgive yo[u]
...sorry [i] got in the way.