As I sip on my Starbucks strawberry thingy. . .

I begin to wonder: when will enough be enough? When will be stop the sidelines cheerleading and be the actual quarter back in the game. Proactively decide to be the difference you want to see, rather then sitting from your house being sad/mad about the injustices.

"the smallest package you can come in is 'me, myself, and I'" The person that told me that has made such on impact on the world. Amazing person. She was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. After mixed emotions, from sadness to anger, I decided to take a stand. In January i'll be hosting a banquet to help the Lustgarten Foundation-an org dealing with pancreatic cancer research. www.lustgarten.org

I'll be hosting a series of soirees, silent auctions, and what-nots starting THIS friday. November 20th, Providence, 57th street between 7th and 8th. Girls free before 12, guys 15 before 12. Say "shadow" at the door for the guest list.

Can't make it? you can still make a difference. click below

SIGGHHH.....IT IS THAT TIME OF THE YEAR!!! My birth month!!! wooott woott!! after much contemplation this year i decided NOT to celebrate my 4th year of turning 21! instead i embraced turning a glamorous, fantabulous, sultry and sassy 25!!!! wooooooooohooooooooooooooooo.....

yesterday was my official birthday..apologies..im sure you all wanted a hour by hour run thru of the debauchery however i was just too drunk!!! cute pics. will upload soon.

Been having weird dreams lately. When i wake up, they all come true. hmm ima change my name from esquilin to mercado. Jay Mercado. hmm. has a nice ring to it. Last night had a dream with someone. hmmm..lets see if it comes tru today. that would be interesting.

ahh i need a bloody mary. lol

sinfully yours,
Jay

If I were poetry

If I were poetry...
.
.
.
I'd be written...
Upon the lines...
Of your hand...
.
So you could feel..
Just where I'm coming from...
And without question...
You'd understand...
.
My content...
.
Knowing what i meant...
Before each word...
Even formed a sentence...
.
If I were poetry
I'd be a sonnet...
Seeking solace...
Through literal repentance...
.
.
I'd apologize...
If I were poetry...
.
Poetically speaking...
Within a verse...
.
I'd .write. my wrongs...
To the rhythm of your song...
Combating my hate...
And harbored hurt...
.
And for what it's worth...
.
If I were poetry...
.
I'd let you read me...
Line for line...
.
No metaphorical bloating...
Or metaphysical gloating...
You could probe my thoughts...
And quote my mind...
.
Lines don't just rhyme...
They have deeper meaning...
.
If I were poetry...
Pens would be bleeding...
.
My pain...
.
Happiness...
.
And contentment...
.
.
.
If I were poetry...
I'd show my commitment...
.
To being your friend...
.
Never letting you write alone...
.
If I were poetry...
I'd give your ink a home...
.
But I'm just me...
Poetry is what i recite...
.
But If I were poetry...
I'd give my life...
.
.
.
To your trees...

Thee Forsaken

:SIGH: I know, I KNOOOWW!! I have forsaken you :( *cue the violins* I missed Special Halloween blogs and I missed "blind leading the blind" friday!! *GASP* Did ya miss me?! Been doing loads of stuff in addition to takin over the world...PFT, as if that isnt work enough!! SMH. Just soo you can seeeeeeeee, that its not that i dont love thee... here are some of the things i've bee working on:

1. privately funding a banquet for about 100+ ppl in order to raise a few thousands for Lustgarten Foundation;

2. Organizing and executing a life skills event where its designed to give people in the neighborhood skills needed to be successful and find jobs. So there will be a professional resume writer given lessons on resume writing; a person speaking on interview savvy, etc. & i'm trying to given each participant of the event a suit at the end of the event so that they can feel confident enough to venture out and look for jobs;

3. Applying to be a mentor at least once a week for a little kid at a foster agency

4. Tango classes!!

5. Yoga classes..um..not soo excited lol.

6. BOYS.

7. MY BDAY MONTH celebrations :)

8. Fundraising events to fund the banquet (see number 1)

9. Momentum

10. Step practice for a show next month.

11. stroll practice for a show next week (arrghh)

sooo um yeaaa..and did i mention that there are ONLY 7 days in the week..and ONLY 24hrs in one day!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGGHHH. P.S. my events are a personal endeavor, nothing to do with my sorority, which makes the funding, planning, networking, THAT much harder!! oh and YES..the best part...i only hav 90 days to do all of this!!!!! GREATTT!! So..jea :-/


MIC Check!! whose here? whose not? Whats been going on readers?

xoxo,

Jay

Blind leading the blind..part deux

1. guys with no car, 4 roommates, and no job-are not to be fucked!!!!! sorry dudes, but this should be a wake up call to get your shit together! especially if you’re almost 30! get your own place! merry Christmas brother. Women of the world..UNITE! and collectively keep ur legs closed to all men who fit this criteria. They'll get the message. lol.

2. if he only texts back to your phone calls, move on. you’re better than that. :)

3. You can be a fat-ass like me and eat everything ur boyfriend eats; but word to the wise you will only gain weight! guys are a mysterious being that can eat whatever they like and never gain weight. at least the boys we are attracted to. you’re not trying to date the bitter clerk at the dmv who has a gut and dreams about raping you. I’m really sorry if you have someone dude in ur life that has a gut,works as a clerk at the dmv, or dreams of/or is currently raping you. seriously, i had no idea. I’m not looking to offend anyone. Seee...*smiles*

4. you’re not allowed to buy art at ikea! it is not a quick fix. ikea doesn’t sell art anyway! they sell mass produced posters! smh @ art posers!!

5. if he has a pair of sheets that you HATE, and you happen to be on your period..bleed on his sheets. *shruggs* In hindsight, it may be a bit embarrassing, but a small price to pay to get what you want. jk jk. no really....JAAYY KAAAYY.

6. social anxiety happens when you’re not supposed to be where you are! So develop a higher opinion of yourself, so anywhere you are is the place to be!

7. being scared and being nervous are choices! So just say NO and do not engage in these life debilitating/crippling choices!

8. if you get everything waxed off , don’t go running errands around town in a mini skirt. you’re vagina can’t be trusted anything could fly out of it at any moment. without cute undies to prevent this from happening, you could have an uber embarrassing accident while looking for soup on the top shelf of aisle six in the super market and there’s a stock boy below you, restocking soup cans.

9. Jesus, what was # 8 all about? that was random, riiiight??? lol. *shruggs* RANDOMOSITY: its a way of life.

10. the phrase is: “couldn’t care less”! NOT, “could care less”! for example: “i hate my ex boyfriend so much, i COULDN’T care less if he fucked another girl!” the point is, you care SO LITTLE, you can’t possibly care any less than you already do. this phrase is misused all the time. i think beyonce even used it incorrectly in her last single. SMH *shaking finger* Now, now, beyonce. Now, now.

I Wrote it Down

With not one barbie
Or dollhouse
I sat alone on my bed
With just a pencil
Loose leaf paper
And the thoughts in my head

Writing my life
Balling it up
And throwing it next
To the trash can
Wondering if my mother
Would pick up the pieces
And try to understand

...Why I Am Tainted...

Or why i painted
Pictures of things
I wouldn't let her see
And why I kept quiet
To protect her even though
She didn't protect me

From sleeping
In semen soiled sheets
Or
Having nightmares
While i wasn't asleep
Or
Her boyfriends' hands
Being all over me
Or
From feeling dirty
Even after bathing excessively

...I wrote it down...

So that someone would know
Even if it was a piece of paper
That had not ounce of life
Because neither did I
While laying there being molested
Thinking "how many times do i have to die"
And that wasn't even the beginning

Let me just go
In my room
And write
About how you don't give a fuck
About me
Is that alright?!

Because my voice
To her
Doesn't mean shit
I mean...
It's not that the bitch doesn't hear it
But even if she did she wouldn't listen
I mean but at least she's not calling me "little bitch" ...anymore.... right???
Even though
Now It's too late
Because I answer to that shit
Like it's my name

Even though it's a word
That i hate
But now i'm used to it
So who am i to complain
I'll just fucking write it down...

As i sit here with
With my head towards the ground
And the music
Playing in my headphones
Way too fucking loud
Writing about all the fucked up things
That no one really knows about me
Well that they know
But don't know
The reasoning
.
...Like...
.
How i don't know what love is
Because I've never had anything like that
Or because I've been raped so many times
I purposely have rough sex and i don't even like that
But I have no other choice
Because i don't know anything else
And i don't know what it feels like
To be made love to...
Unless i'm doing it by myself
And then i go and write it down
See My erotica is a scene
That will make one horny
But when i'm finished I go into the bathroom
And the tears just start flowing
Because i don't want to be fucked
But no one would know that
Because i didn't get to finish writing
What i had to say
I ended it
Before it turned into something emotional
But hey...
Fuck it...
Because I did write it down
But i wrote it down
On the loose leaf sheets
That no one in the world
Sees But me.
The loose leaf sheets
Where i write down
All the thoughts
That i have about me .

The suicidal thoughts That I go back
On occasion
And re-read
Just to keep from actually hurting me
Because Somebody Needs Me...
Right???
Okay I think Somebody Might ....
So I'll just write
So that i won't forget
Anything that happened
But can look back on these pieces of paper knowing
That this isn't the end
And I can see where i've been
But because of it I'll know where i'm going
Because I Wrote It Down . . .

Blind Leading the Blind...

Sooo due to popular demand i've decided to compile all my quirky notions and advice into a series that i affectionately entitle "blind leading the blind" . Every friday coming to a blog near you. so without further adeu ...i introduce..blind leading the blind *cueing curtain music*

1. Another world is not only possible, but she is on her way. on a quiet day i can hear her breathing. Think about it ppl! your tired of the same results happening in ur life? its not that the world is fucked up..its YOU!! fucked up ppl in UR life? bad finances in UR life? bad investments in UR life? common demonimator: UR life. YOU. there is something that you are doing or being (consciously or subconciously) that is producing the same results. Take ownership. Stop playing the victim. Victimology is SOOOO 2 seasons ago!!

2. The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music. Think about that one. If i had my choice there would be Louis Armstrong's "La Vie En Rue" playing everytime i saunteered somewhere lol.

3. it’s important to listen to the Beatles.

4. if a tree falls in the forest, it totally makes a sound.

5. if you are trimming your pubic hair with a scissors and you accidentally cut your labia and it is dangling from a thread……DON’T PANIC! i know it stings and sizzles and you can’t believe you did this to yourself, but you did. now get some neosporin and a band aid and say a prayer. it will probably join back together like they say worms do if you cut them in half. (or just go to the spa like i do duhhh) good luck.

6. all we have is our stories.

7. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. lol.

8. Guys, something a girl will never tell you..but step your head game up..smh. the more u make her cum, the more power you will have.

9. guys, make u girls a mix CD why don’t you? if you do this at the beginning of the relationship, that’s great…. but if you surprise her six months or a year into it, just because you can-just because you WANT to… she will freak the fuck out and drop to her knees just to thank you with some head... and if she DOESN’T…. you have my full permission to punch her in the face with your dick! but you’ll have to do it quick, because your erection will totally be fading! hey, i never claimed to be a role model. I’m just thinking out loud here.

10. They keep saying the right person will come along. I think mine got hit by a truck on the Grand Concourse. sigh.

Memoirs of an addict

What's your drug of choice?

He's mine.

ugh.

I need rehab.

*u kno ur a hot mess when ur not even referring to the person you're dating..smh*

I couldnt sleep last night...so i wrote ::shruggs::

Position this jaded pallid body

On the fluid silken sheets

Of your pallet of misrepresentations…

That’s right…

I found a way to make your

Bed of lies…

Beautiful… I

sn’t that what women do?

We make our toxic relationships…

Pretty…

See when you

Kiss me with your

Excuses and justifications…

I call it passion…

How does the scent of sorrow

Smell so sweet in my nostrils yet

Taste so acidic upon my tongue?

Cascading solvent ecstasy…

Liquid affliction masked by

Reassuring gratification…

Allurement of intimate riches…

You…

Camouflage your

Executions of chicanery

So eloquently…

Lying lips lick love so lightly and

Make loyalty look so likely…

Erasing and eliminating

Fearful faithlessness…

Until…

I cry out…

Supplications…

Begging for you to…

Please…just stay…

Abide here…

Immortally…

And all will be fine…

Until your next

Unfaithful endeavor…just…

Position this jaded pallid body

Upon the fluid silken sheets

Of your pallet of misrepresentations…

Kiss me with your

Excuses and justifications…

And listen to these Hope{LESS} sighs…

As you work your magic…

What you do to me…

Is a travesty…

But I let you do it…

Again and again…

My mind telling me to

Ask you where you’ve been but

All that comes out is

Breathless cries between

Erotic sighs of…. …

“damn baby… Yes…right…there…”

As you run masculine fingers Through silken hair…

And you whisper a faux “I adore you baby…”

In my ear…

And I want to say…

“What’s my name…?”

Not because I’m vain…

No…because I want to see

If you’ll fuck up…because I

Think you call us all baby

As a safety net…just in case you

Mess up and forget which

Pussy you’re in…

See…I have to fight the urge to

Lose my class and sensibility

Lose the woman in me…

And realize… It’s you pullin’ the fuckery

And the tomfoolery…

And even though I see her face

As I look in your eyes…

I can’t resist you…

As you grip the hips

That almost bore a child for you…

Yet you…

Continue to do

These things that you do…

When you lay me down…

In this bed of lies.

Rightfully [w]rite

When you write, why do you write?
Do you write for the sake of rhyme
Or for the sake of write or is that right?

I'll [Write] Love to you...

I want this poem to feel like....
the first time you closed your eyes
and
let me inside
you poetically....
see I'm missing you metaphorically
and historically
I've spent too much lusting
and not enough loving
so would you mind
if we turn back the hands of time
and embrace
seeing the realness in my face
as I humbly enter this space
where most
don't get to taste
and not waste
opportunity
I want you feeling me
needing me
hungrily
taking in everything that is me
in this poetry
and fall in so deep
til you remember what made you read me
in the first place
so can we replay first taste?
just throw egos away
let the words have their way
untl we remember
what made us cum together
the first write..
let's write love like....
two writers
experiencing erotics for the virgin
putting emphasis perfect in verses
translating
a lost language until famished
heavily spent then collapsing notebooks
with sweetest looks
saying
satisfied
with these love written rhymes.

If you want to fall in love, and you’ve had bad luck in the past, or you’re just unclear/not sure about what you want in someone……Make a wish list! it helps you be clear & to specify what actually matters to you! Here’s mine:

He’s a facilitator of dreams
he makes me laugh sooo much
he listens to me & actually likes to listen to what i have been storing up in my mind
he is my friend
he’s the most gorgeous sexy man I’ve ever seen
he’s extremely smart
he’s charming
he’s great in social situations
non-smoker
he drinks every once in a while

he’s successful & loves the work that he does
he’s funny
he’s witty
he’s quick-witted
he’s very stylish
i make him laugh
he doesn’t make me angry
we make each others lives BETTER
i am his best friend
he is my best friend
he's a sexual innovator-creative & adventurous
i have no desire to cheat
he has no desire to cheat
we look great together
i love how i see myself through his eyes
to him, i am the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen
he totally gets my sense of humor
i totally get his sense of humor
he’s cool
he’s not a poser
he’s confident
he knows who he is
he inspires me
i inspire him

*YES, i know i rambled and said very BIG grandiose things! but who cares! love is crazy and exciting and amazing! and I’d rather dream big, rather than small! xoxo

I am elevated homie, you are elementary...

I'm back!!! whew lots going on!! Traveling, court cases, social obligations, organizational commitments, dance-a-thon, other community service projects...ARRRGGGHHH!! noooo time!! Most of 2009 was spent walking blindly on a cliff trying to avoid falling off. Now I'm sitting down on the edge of the cliff, enjoying the breeze and looking at the beautiful landscape. What has changed?! Well I haven't changed. It would be a bit "after school special" of me to say that I've changed. I am who I am. But my perception of things has changed. And from that change, has opened a world of compassion, forgiveness and inner peace. Normally, i'd be inclined to equate those three words with weakness; but it takes a far STRONGER person to forgive & help the fellow human, regardless of the wrong that person has done to you. Particularly, if you at one point cared about them.

Today I told someone I missed them. Single-handedly one of the most scariest things I've had to do (and ive lived thru some crazy stuff) lol What i've truly learned is that who ever the other person chooses to be, it should NEVER alter who YOU are. For example, with my example, I missed someone. Normally, I would never tell them "i miss you" out of fear of not hearing it back. But that was wrong. Why should my feelings and my actions be dictated on others' feelings & reactions?! i pride myself on being a leader, and thats not being a leader. All this sounds like good talk rite?! lol yea, i thought so too. Until i grew some balls and put it to the test...i.e..me telling this person i missed them. And as i expected, i didnt hear it back. But ehh thats ok, because i was still true to myself and my feelings :) such is life.

whew..*wiping sweat* now that i got the deep stuff outta the way..I MISSED YA!! Countdown to halloween..WOOOoooooooooooOOOOOOTTTTT WWWOOOooooooOOOOTTTT!! Florida this thursday....

Oh how i love thee..

OoOOohhhh HALLOWEEN!!!



I LoOoOve Halloween!!!! Its my favorite holiday...ever!!! Usually I'm all cutesy..this year i'm going goth!! I'm going to be a kick ass vampire..woot woot.








COUNTING DOWN THE DAYS TIL HALLOWEEN AND MY BIRTHDAY..YAAYY! *sits down & stares at the clock*





In the interim..some interesting things that ive learned or have transpired..sooo:


1. I graduated from the Momentum Advanced course.


2. I discovered that in my past life I must have been a vargas girl


3. Humility isnt my forte..but thats ok lol :)


4. ice cream is the way to my heart


5. I was asked not too long ago what is it that i want from a guy...*smirks* my answer is simple: i want him to be intrigued by me. that is all. so to whomever asked me that question *as i know you religiously read my blog* there's your answer.





Lots more happened. But eh i cant go on writing forever. Lots of laughs. Lots of hugs. Lots of Love. I soo <3>

*peace, love & tequila*

Muah,

Jay

3 lined theoretics

We judge others by their behavior.

We judge ourselves by our intentions.

*quite the interesting species are we. no?*

AAAAAAAGHHHH

ITS MONDAY!!!

Still feeling sick :( but overall, great weekend. Laughed, drank, smiled. Getting back into the swing of living the life of Jay-----action packed, fun and well..just..AWESOME! Weekend started like this:

and now its monday so i look like this:

straight hurt looking!! lol eh..oh well...i dont feel well ..GAWSH!!

memorable quote of the weekend: "enthrall me" hahaha
memorable moment of the weekend: waking up to texts from certain ppl :)

This week: momentum education-part deux, partying, bar hopping...eh maybe even some poetry writing!

I think I found me. I missed ya!

TBC,

Jay

My conclusion

To love me . ..

Really love me

You would have to

Step out of your shoes

Taking a moment to feel what it is like to

Walk

Run

Jump

Dance

Kick

Stomp

and

STAND

In mine

Only in holding my heart

In the palm of your hand

Could you experience the delicacy of

Every emotion spent

Living

Loving

Laughing

Crying

Trying

To understand the expression you project

The thing you call love

It leaves me quite puzzled

For as it appears on the big screen

The image is quite distorted

Inflicting painful memories

Displaying intricate secretes of my heart

Omitting mine and showing only your truth

In fact your understanding of me seems quite aloof

This thought of love between you and me

While quite dashing

Only ends up clashing

With any form of reality

Yes the idea of you and me

Is all a fantasy

Because you fail to look beyond

Your desire to

Touch me

Taste me

Kiss me

Seduce me with poetry

And choose instead to open your soul

Taking in the true essence of me

You’re caught up in your dream of poetry

While I struggle each day with my reality

Not desiring to be

You

Me

She

Another mistress of poetry

But needing to be

One heart

One soul

One love For eternity!

You offer a round trip ticket to poetic fantasy

I desire a one-way pass to truth and reality

Different desires

Different destinations

One conclusion

You

Me

Existing seperately!

No more virgin..

In the last week my life has made such a shift!! It hasn't been a great week..in the least! Many tragedies have occurred this week. However, what has changed is my perception of things. I realized the doors that can open when you come from a context of empowerment. Case in point, I NEVER thought I would get over him, and now, he isn't even a memory. In the past weeks, I have dispelled all the useless ppl that have entered my life this year and replaced them with AHHH-MAZZZINNG ppl!!!

Went Sake Bombing last night with the momentum fam. They popped my sake bombing cherry..awww!!! :) My virginity..GONE!! Awesome time! Next adventure..drunk karaoke...burlesque spot....or Nuyo...hmmm woot woot.

::Sigh:: LIFE! ::smile::


Here's to overcoming pain

Here's to celebrating life

Here's to 50 random strangers..in one room..who became family

Here's to waking up drunk when you have a 9:30 court date!!

....and to the smile on my face that can't seem to go away


signing off,

Jay

Good intentions...

The road leading away from him is
paved with good intentions...
I intended to love him the way he
needed me to...to be the woman
he expected to see in me...I
intended to always be there for him...
when he needed me...even though
he was only here for me when it was
convenient for him. I intended to
ignore this lonely heart he
consistently left bleeding inside of me...
I intended to ... live for him... even though I was
dying inside of him... I had
poured myself into him...and he...
defined my identity...used to tell me
if he wanted my opinion...he'd
give it to me...and I...in good intention...
allowed him to govern me...
I intended to ignore the nightmares...
sending subliminal messages
telling me that I was sleeping....
with the enemy... I intended to
seek my shelter in him... intended to
see him as refuge...even though he
was never around when I needed him.
I intended to remain sweet and
fight the bitter urges that were
festering inside of me...I intended to
not push him away... but somehow...
my hands were on his psyche...
giving him a shove... I intended to ...
allow his curses on my name to
fall on deaf ears... but I heard him...
I intended to ignore the glare in his eyes
where the gleam once melted me...
I intended to not allow shame to infiltrate me...
but I realized...good intentions were going to be
the emotional and mental death of me...
and my eyes were beginning to see him in a
realistic spotlight...and his kisses were leaving
and acidic bitterness on my lips...and I began grieving...because...
being even his friend was something that
simply could not be... so...
the road leading away from him
is paved with my good intentions...
intending to be the woman
he needed me to be...
but bitterly...I concede...
that I simply cannot meet
his expectations of me...

so I walk away...
bitterly...

even though I intended...
not to be.

Momentumously Momentumous...

Sooo I completed and graduated this weekend from Momentum Education's basic workshop..aka..the "cult". lol

hmm..well..um....yea..lol. I can't explain it. Its experiential learning. Its beyond intriguing-so much, that I'm actually going to take the next-level course-which is the advanced course. Some asked me what its about..i cant explain it but it deals with: self-awareness, introspection, perception, and you in relation to the world. Same program..results are different for every person.

Best lesson i've learned: Life is not right or wrong. It just is.
Those who know even a lil about me know thats a HUGE lesson for me.

if you have a couple of hundred dollars lying around the house i definitely suggest you invest in the cirriculum :)


signing off,
Jay

Being Momentumous....

So, as promised, i'm reporting back about this cult thing...

Overall, not too impressed yet. Did learn one kind of disturbing thing about myself...I ONLY trust ppl that I consider to be weak or inferior to me. Furthermore, by the first time looking at you I have already determined if you are my equal or if you are weak. NOW as messed up as that sounds..lol..its the truth. and if that makes me an asshole for believing that..then guess what??! i will have to both acknowledge and embrace being an asshole.

When you stop telling people the story of who you are and REALLY just say who you are..no pictures, no explanations..just you ..defined..in..one..sentence..it is rather strange. When you are HONEST with yourself..i mean REALLLYY honest and verbalize that honesty you will be SHOCKED as to what comes out of your mouth.


of course my classmates, all of whom where talking about having low self esteem and low self confidence, are looking at me as if im crazy..lol *shruggs* oh well. you're weak. I'm not. deal with it. Needless to say ..i was the most arrogant person there. The trainer says theres a reason for my manifested arrogance..more than the eye meets. ..ehh..we shall see..


tonight..more momentum....*cue the suspense music*

Jay, interrupted

Geez i SWORE i pledged in Fall 08! why does it feel like i'm on line again?! PFT. Fall '09?! SLLLLLLLLeeeeeeeeeeeeppppppppppppppPPPPPPPPP come back!!! how i've missed thee!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHHHHH..going on boat loads of 5 hrs shot..smh. ok so a couple of new things since 2 days ago:

1. ITS A ......drum roll please....... BOOOOOOOOYYYYYYY!!!! hmm, I dont really know how to feel about that.

2. I got dooped into joining a cult..ha ha..THANKS V. pft! JK.

3. Despite the last 6 months of superfluous debauchery which had me doubting myself...I TRULY AM AWESOME!!! Like a phoenix, whose born from its own ashes, i RISE!! :)

4. I miss the following faces: bibi, renny, ray. not neccessarily in that order.

5. Neenz is trying to turn me out..smh. Now, now neenz...now, now *shaking finger*

6. people from my past are ALWAYS coming up wanting to be around me in some capacity..WHYY?! SHEESH!!

current mood: deliriously tired yet energetic; bouncy.

sooo YEAAAA..this cult thing...I got dooped into signing up for a life seminar called Momentum Education. look it up. It starts today..AAAAAAAARRGGHHHH. its a 4 day mini retreat of some sort. lets see how this goes, i heard it was pretty cool. feedback on the horizon.

ok so thanks for tuning into todays rambling. im to hyper to stay in the chair ..so addddyyyy-ooosss.

signing off,

faithfully yours,

Jay

Rain on me

The smell of the rain in the morning air
Leaves me longing for your fingers in my hair
As your kisses flood my lips
And your passionate thrusts between my hips

The crispness of the gentle wind
Leaves me longing to feel your arms again
Holding me close in your strong embrace
As your eyes cast light upon my face

The clouds hovering above
Leave me longing for more of your love
That love filled with raw passion and intense sincerity
That love that fills me completely
The storm leaves longing
For you to cum . .

RAIN

DOWN

ON

ME!

annnddd.....SCENE!!

The final curtain call
The great director screams scene
The end of this saga
The end of you and me
*****
Combing over the past
Wading through hurt and regret
Like walking on broken glass
Cut soles bleeding with every step
*****
With hate, love was so quickly replaced
I’m so tired of this space
Needing extreme relief
Praying for eternal peace
*****
To you nothing about me was right
Hurtful words streaming day and night
Every comment leading to a fight
A sweet kiss turned to a vicious bite
*****
Many days i felt i would succumb
to the painful state
Of madness pain and confusion
An existence built on the delusion
Of somehow you and me
Coexisting happily
*****
Before I walk away
Just a moment I need
To say goodbye to sadness
Make room for happiness
******
Walking away from this tragedy
Seeking the leading role of a romantic comedy . . .

Beyond Reach

What I want and need

Has been placed right before me

But still beyond reach

hmmmm

While I was away

Flowers I planted bloomed

He gave them to her

FINALLY

No more you, me, she

So happy to be just me

I’m finally free

Haiku-azy?!

So 1st..hiiiiii.. :) I'm OFFICIALLY back!!! ... and better than ever, might i add!! So i realized that i dont really write Haikus. Hmm i dont really like them. I guess its cuz im too long-winded for haikus lol. But on this boring work day i presented myself with a challenge as to how many Haikus i can write to pass the day...so i guess its about to get Haiku-azy up in here!! (get it? krazy..Ku-azy? no? ayy forget it) soooooo enjoy!!!


<3
Jay

. . .

"I can almost see it. That dream I'm dreaming, but there's a voice inside my head saying, u'll never reach it. Every step I'm takin, every move I'm makin feels lost with no direction, my faith is shaken...."

Failed attempt to inspire

I had written this hoping it would inspire a person i know to write. They were lost and tried to find themselves in between the lines they penned-and so, in order to help-i tried to inspire. Did it work? *shruggs* who knows! At this point i dont really care. So instead, I present it to you guys...who will appreciate it more. Enjoy.



Constantly and consistently I am
Crucified and resurrected
Between the lines of poetry…
Crimson drips of ink drop from the
Dotting of an I… I will my eyes to
Search for self here…bits and pieces
Of my identity hiding behind the guise of
Creativity…I live to die and
Die so that I might live…rebirth
After rebirth with each stanza that is
Written…for it is written that I will
Find my peace and harmony here…
My soul spilled forth upon piece after piece of
Crumbled and rippled parchment…
My pages warped with the tracks of my tears…
For here is where I have committed homicide…
Suicide…taken my last breath… tasted death…
And then…with the spatterings of
Poetic placenta…I have penned masterpiece’s
With the blood of my poetic delivery…
Laboring through life…I have written and
Rewritten my own destiny…here is where I have
Penned the pages of my legacy…here is where my
Children will truly get to know me…
When their childhood days have long since passed…
They will turn to the portion of me
That will eternally last…and they will cling to me…
Piecing together the neverending pieces of the
Puzzle of me… they will hear my whispers…
Here is where I will constantly
And consistently
Be reborn…
Even in death… I will live on…
Over and over…
Ink of resiliency resurrecting me
Within the soulful stanzas of this
Prolific poetry.

FYI

TODAY @Blue Stockings book store, 172 Allen Street b/w stanton and rivington. 7PM - Screening: Nancy Schwartzman “The Line” (2009, 25 minutes).

Some background:
With Melissa Gira Grant and Melanie WallnerJoin Nancy Schwartzman for a screening of “The Line,” her documentary about the gray areas bounding sexual consent. The filmed conversations (including a secretly recorded confrontation between Schwartzman and the person whom raped her) unblushingly address identity, power and sexual violence. Please join Schwartzman, Melissa Gira Grant, and Melanie Wallner for a discussion about sex-positive living and accountability inside the main of rape culture.


See you all there ;)

a Poet?!

I don’t know if I will ever
BE the poet…but I know that I can
BE the poem…I know that I can
Be that noun…standing proud in the
Midst of an alliteration I can be that
Redundant letter that repeats itself positively…
Powerfully progressively adding onto itself
As the momentum of the subject builds….
I KNOW that I can be the third eye
That dots the I on the inspiration of the
Master’s piece that causes a transformation…
I know that I can GRACEFULLY cross the tee
Of transmigration as past lives are lost and
The soul is reborn through the purification of
Poetry….I don’t know if I will ever
BE the poet…for she may be… lost in an
Elipses, somewhere hiding in a dot dot dot…
Peering from behind the silhouette
Of the poem provided…no…I don’t know
If I will ever BE the poet…but I know that I can
BE the poem…I can BE the ink…liquefied me
Spilling forth upon parchment…saturating
In the form of bleeding stanzas… I can
Make beautiful love to your mind and
Play masterfully orchestrated melodies that
Dance across your eardrums like prima ballerinas….
I can paint beautiful pictures that become
Animated movies upon the
Cinematic screen of your mentals….
Macabre horror, romantic rendezvous, and
Pornography too… there’s no limit to
What liquefied me can do… I don’t know
If I will ever BE the poet…but I know that I can
BE the poem… I can be the tree that
Nooses hung from… I can be the white of the parchment…
The black of my ink….
I can be whatever I tell my ink I want to be…
I can be in control Of my destiny…
I can erase the stains
Of my history…I can rewrite the past…
I can control the future…I may never be the poet…
But from now…
until the day I breathe my last breath…
Until the day my pen drops from my fingers…
Until the last word is formed in my cerebral cortex….
I will now and forever…
be
the
poem.

Hiiiii-yaaa. Ok, so i'm back. Im still lost and life's recent randomosities (lol) have made sure that I stay lost. ugh. But amidst the endless search, I learned a few things:

1. I am completely apathetic toward life.

2. E will forever be my heart's keeper and my best friend. This weekend just proved that.

3. I have met many new ppl this year, and almost all of them are disposable. For shame! Definitely time to start downsizing & deleting ppl from my life.

4. Contrary to my initial belief, I really don't need his support, affection, or attention afterall. What he thinks or feels with respect to me i no longer care. I no longer spend my days wishing to be my his side, or wishing that he would think of me, miss me, long for me.

5. I have groupies lol

That is all i discovered this weekend.

La pregunta..awesome.
Peace poets..dope.
City Island..yummmm.
Renny..inspirational.
Bibi..sweetest.
E..classic.
J..disposable.

Interesting weekend. Here's to "raging against the dying of the light"

I was about to take a nap but...

Then I got caught up in hearing my friend complain (in a boastful manner) about purchasing $1,600 shoes for her birthday. SMH. The more i listen ..the more she happily talks about these designer shoes i think to myself: " should i burst her bubble and tell her that: i bought those exact shoes (in 2 different colors) back in 2008; which clearly they aren't "the latest" as she alleges?" smh. naaa i'll let her enjoy her shoes. lol. i dont get why she feels the need to advertise to people the price of the shoes. Does that make you cooler? did i miss the "how to be cool" memo? Matter of fact, the more she talks the more repulsed I get. She's such a pretty girl; but with each word she articulates she begins to get uglier and uglier..smh.

Can we talk about the world or even our own backyard? Music videos with half naked women? Women selling their children's innocense to get money for a fix? Abandoned animals in the street? Abandoned souls in the street, for that matter! Gentrification, invisible segragation, political degradation, media fabrication. How about our mixed democracy sucks and socialism semi-rocks? um shoot...we can even goo real simple..burger king vs. wendys? ANYTHINGGG but the price of shoes and of how that makes YOU feel as if you have some stance in the world!! $1,600. hmm, $20 can feed 70 people in Haiti. Granted, yesssss i am the first to spent 1,600 ok..buttt (a) i dont brag; and (b) i still give $20 to Haiti!! so :p

So i guess im just gonna put her on speaker, mute my phone, and take that nap afterall....

Can you tell me how to get, how to get to sesame streeeeettt...

I used to think solitude was esphixiating. After living life in the center of everything; i now bask in solitude. Its admist company-perhaps bad company?- that i managed to lose the essence of my self-identity. I used to be a fighter, ambitious, zealous, a contemporary socialite with the old soul of debutantes of ages past. But that's all a vague memory now. i USED to be. I used to believe in the good in people, in love, in happiness, and in unicorns (lol..dont ask). i USED to believe. It was in looking for him, i lost me. So now i look for me even if it means losing him. Well, in truth I never had him *shruggs* So now in solitude i happily stand, boldly subjectifying myself to the scrutiny of judgment from one of the harshest people i know....

me.

self-reflection
introspection
retrospection
UGH. lots of "spections" going on there....

I had a dream. in this dream a naked indian walked thru the desert and told me that if i followed snuffalupagus that he would take me down the path to finding myself. lol. sooo i ask..or rather..i sing: Can you tell me how to get...how to get to sesame streeeeeettttttt *doing the charleston w/ cute tap shoes*

Jay for Dummies..

So apparently Ms. Cleo decided to write a biography about me....

"Scorpio is the astrology sign of extremes and intensity. Scorpios are very deep, intense people, there is always more than meets the eye. They present a cool, detached and unemotional air to the world yet lying underneath is tremendous power, extreme strength, intense passion and a strong will and a persistent drive. Most Scorpios are highly intuitive, which can make them either very compassionate and empathic or very cruel and vindictive, because they know where other people’s weak points are. Scorpios like to explore the profound in life and have little interest in small talk. Scorpios are excellent judges of character, and they have an incredible amount of sympathy for those who truly deserve it, but no sympathy or patience for people who are the authors of their own misfortune. Scorpios are extremists. Everything they do is all-or-nothing. Scorpios are known for their sharp minds and shrewd intellects. The person that a Scorpio respects and holds close to them is treated with amazing kindness, loyalty and generosity. On the outside, a Scorpio has great mystery. This magnetically draws people to them. They are known to be too ambitious but only because they need control. This makes them feel safe. They can be strong willed and determined, almost to the point of being stubborn. This makes them great competitors, even if they are able to hide this desire to win from you. This also makes Scorpios very dominant, controlling and passionate. When they do not have a positive outlet for self-expression, they often turn inwards and become destructive. "

Lost in a Colorful Existence

Once upon a monochromed palette, I used to live in a black & white world. I was happy living in such world. When I woke up every morning and was presented with something black, i knew that atleast for that day nothing will be white becauuusseee..well.. because it was just black. period.

Life was great. Success. Properity. Happiness. It all ensued within the crafty, yet, thinly painted black & white backdrop that was my life.

UNTIL...

I met someone who splashed my existence with color. Beautiful, lustful, torturous, painful color. No more where the glorious shades of black & white that defined me, my life, my existence. Hues of blues, blacks and reds now infiltrated & permeated every square inch of me. He would dip his fingers in the colors and make surreal patterns on my soul. Hmm. The pain of color. SMH.

And now...

I'm lost.

Bad memory??

I tried to forgive & forget today; only to discover that I forgot how to forgive......







Jay

FYI....

Some events to keep in mind if you're attempting to be cool... GOOOO. If i'm feeling better about life and can get out of bed then most likely i'll be at these events. You can have a picture and my autograph before and after the events :)

Saturday, August 15th ALANY's Latin Family Fair Festival. Help the American Latin Association of NY execute their annual children's festival.

Monday, August 17th Workshop: Maryse Mitchell-Brody “Crisis Support and Intervention” 7 p.m., location: Bluestockings Bookstore, 172 Allen Street between Stanton and Rivington

Saturday, August 22nd Lyrical Revolt Poetry Slam @ LaPregunta Cafe, 137th St. & Amsterdam Ave. Proceeds go to the Answer Coalition

September 11th CVH's Pins & Pennies. A bowl-a-thon fundraiser for Community Voices Heard. www.cvhaction.org

Sunday, September 13th @ 7PM - Reading: Barbara J. Berg “Sexism in America” Location: Bluestockings Bookstore, 172 Allen Street between Stanton and Rivington

Saturday, October 3rd My dance-a-thon for Safe Horizon!! woot woot. www.safehorizon.org. Details coming up soon.



The possiblities are numerous once you decide to act rather than react. Many times we talk about change, we talk about gentrification, sexism, racism, liberal, radical, left wing, right wing. But it all means NOTHING if you don't put yourself in the center of things, people! Dare yourself to be knowledgeable, dare yourself to be the change you want to see!

ok i'm done preaching!
Back to hiding under my blankey. Dear life, I am soo not your friend rite now!!

Subconciously Owned

Within the cerebral cortex of my
somewhat clouded mind...he meets me
on the corner of
Destiny Drive
and
Bliss Boulevard...
taking my hand...
his poetic mind
unites with mine and he
takes me on a
metaphysical meandering...
sashaying me from
the alpha to the omega...
stopping off for rays of enlightenment
along the way...

He enhances my dreams
and since...
rules only exist within
reality...
there are no limits
to where he takes me...
how he touches me as he
teaches me...
and I subconsciously
fall deeper in love with the
enigmatic mind
of
he
.
.
.

with his pen he
draws me wings of liberation...
attaching them to my
fractionally fatigued back...
where shoulders slightly slump
from a lifetime of
guilt being dumped upon them...
and he injects me
with stanzas of poetic precision...
conception of spiritual harmony...
beginning with the anointing of his
celestial seed...
and I
give birth to phenomenally pretty poetry
with the
precision of an old world bard...
for he carries me so far...
He waltzes me
so far beyond the mortal...
this world he takes me to
is eternal...
there is no end...
only a beginning...

because...

as long as he has a mind to think
and his quill contains the ink
he will pen his profoundly prolific philosophies
across my naked flesh as I
bow to bended knee before he...
head bowed in reverence to his
incredible flow...

and here I shall stay...
his parchment...
his canvas..
receiving the drippings of his ink...
bathing in the flow of his thoughts...
bought by the intricacy of his
masculinity...

I belong to he...

subconsciously.

Ever felt like you've known someone for most of your life? As if your electrons and their positrons collided turning time into a neutron; completely neutral, and at a stand still? NO? lol smh..oohh blogiary (get it? instead of diary its..oh forget it!) so yea..ohhh blogiary..if i could divulge the tale of serendipity that is j&j..lol. Its a funny story. Funnier than anyone actually knows (including him). I finally told my friend the whole story...and the wus had tears in her eyes..lol "omg thats soo sweet, it was fate!" she squealed. PFT. I disagree. I like to think of it as more of bad luck hunting me down..but the whole HONEST story is rather seredipitous i suppose lol. oh well.

ihe[art]

FYI...
the MET is having a Francis Bacon exhibition. well, they were..lol ..since May but i kept forgetting. So yea...Francis Bacon. He was, in my opinion, a ground breaking painter in the early 20th century. Born in Dublin (1909-1992). Amazing impressionist work. GO seee!! I'm going Sunday. I'll let ya know how it goes :)



xoxo
Jay

The he to my s[he]

He just so happened to be
the he
to my she.

He completed me...
I gave him the opportunity to
define me...to mold me...
to make me into who he
wanted me to be...

and I made myself
malleable for him...
allowed him to shape my curves...
I was the clay...
and he was the sculptor...

I was but a mere thought...and he
expounded on me...and scribed me into
a novel...lines and paragraphs...
pages forming chapters...of a love story . . .
.
.
gone bad...

a tragedy...filled with the travesty of
me giving my
all and everything
to please.

I saw life through the looking glass
of his worldview...simply so that I would
be on his common ground...
I spoke the words of his mind...
since I had studied him so deeply...
My hands were his on so very many levels...
serving him with multiplicity...
pen in hand I penned prolific poetry
upon the pages of my soul for him
to finger through...words glorifying
his masculinity...

even though he was but an oasis...
a mirage in the desert of my life...
seeming to be substenance for a
parched and dry soul...I drank of the
supplication of falsifications he
eagerly fed to me...and it
took time for me to realize I was
sipping sand from my cupped hands...

I gave him my soul...allowed him to
spray the ghetto graffiti of his concepts
across the walls...covering my wounds
with the paint of his mind...in attempts to
beautify the ugly...and he succeeded...
until I realized that the paint he used
was not waterproof...and my tears...
they washed the paint away...revealing
the same scars that existed the day he
began to claim to enhance me.

My feet were his...for I walked the pathway
he laid out for me...for he...
commanded my every step of
every moment
of every day
and
even every night... I slept at his command and I
woke upon demand...and I
learned that sometimes sleep
need be sacrificed in the name of "love"...

I gave him my body...
sacrificed my femininity
for him to define what made me
sexy...
Allowed him to use me in order to
please he...
and he used me effortlessly...
for little did I know...
I was a part of a coalition...
a member of a society dedicated to
fulfilling his deviant fantasies...
a society so vast identification numbers
should have been issued...

and through all of this...

he taught me a lesson...
he taught me that
even though I wanted to show him
what love was...
even though I sacrificed my very identity
because I thought he
was the he to my she...

I couldnt teach him what he
didnt want to be taught
so
instead I set about the task of redefining me...
and began the search for the me to my she.

Who ever said u cant tell ur story w/o using words?

03-2009

04-2009

04-2009

05-2009

05-2009

06-2009




06-2009

06-2009

07-2009




08-2009

08-10-2009

THE END.

"Only when your lonely" -Genuwine

Good Song...

"You put pressure on me
Anyway you wanted me
I was there for you
Undeniably
Time over and time again
You shut me out
I thought I was your man
I kept it real with you
But you was fake with me

As I close my eyes
I start thinking things
Is this love real love
And all that it brings
When I close my eyes
Only you I see
With another man
This is killing me

[Chorus:]
I am your man
But Only When Ur lonely
If I was to bounce
That's when you'd want me
I am your man
But Only When Ur lonely
You say its not the same
But I love you only....."

WOOOO HOOOO!! I won I won I won *break dancing in my stilettos* I received a favoring decision in one of the hardest cases of my life...EVER. In SUCH a good mood..i was even inspired to be extra nice to someone who i would otherwise be professing my hatred/love for. (yea i know, i said hatred/love..smh lets not go there..its a good day today lol). The funny thing about being nice to him is that it didnt feel weird. It felt natural to call him babe or to tell him ive missed him. Normally i would NEVER say that without feeling some type of disgruntled way. It made me feel better to treat him nice. I liked being nice to him. too bad the fucker doesnt deserve it. So difficult and mean i will continue to be *shruggs* so yea..my good day...WOO HOOO!!!! Hopefully my good day goes into a good night...maybe even a good week?!

Jay

My 1st Love...

Poetry....
come to me...
allow me to kiss your lips ...
lick the lines of your stanzas...
sensually stroking
nouns and verbs...
on my knees
beneath the reign of your
powerful verbiage...
I find myself waiting on you to
erupt in orgasmic bliss...
sprinkling creative juices
over my psyche...
making a love sick fool of me...
for you...
you are my first love...
and I long to do you justice...
long to feel you penetrating me...
deep in the night...
as my subconscious thoughts
wonder through my dreamscape...
I look to you to
capture the visions of the
beautiful and the ugly...
commemorating them for me...
trapping bits and pieces of my life
between college ruled lines...
ink spatterings of ecstasy
scattering throughout...
therefore I am
on my knees...
awaiting the touch of your bic...
needing to feel the slick and sweet feel
of your ink spread across my pages
as I kneel....
in humble adoration...
I lay for you....
Poetry... for I am owned by you...
and will forever sacrifice my
innermost secret thoughts to you...
you...
my constant and faithful lover...

Poetry.

When will I say no? (2 men diverged in a wood part deux)

....oh, those 2 men and those damn diverged woods. SMH. It seems that the woods are no longer diverged; but merely 1 path through a forest. At the end of the path stands the man who loves me (hereinafter, "Mr. Y"), for i have said goodbye to the one i love (hereinafter, "Mr. X").

I am FINALLY free from the emotional torture, and shame that came from being w/ Mr. X. So now, its Me and Mr. Y sitting on a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

FINALLY come the "i love you"s, "i miss you"s, "i need you"s. Except my responses to them are "thanks" followed by a fake smile & shrugg.

"will you be mine?" he asks.

"Sure" i sigh.

"i can be all you and peanut ever need. forget him." he claims.

"Sure" i internally cry.

"You're all i've ever wanted. Be my girl" he begs.

"Sure"


UGHHH when will i say NO. How can i be so ungrateful to a man whose lifted me up everytime Mr. X knocked me down? How can i break someone's heart the why mine was broken? How? How do i say No, its Mr. X and not you that gives me goosebumps when he touches me, that I think of, that I miss. *shruggs* I can't. I'm indebted to him. Besides, its not like Mr. X is going to magically come & vie for my affection. PFT. He would never. He would never come to me and say "Jay i want you to be with me and no one else." How do i say no, i dont love u; but if we take it slow enough maybe i can learn to?! Simple...i just dont say no.

"Jay, I love you...." he exclaims.

with closed eyes and a smile, i say " I love you too, Mr. X"

With tears in his eyes, he lets me go....

FUCK. his name is Mr. Y. i guess i can say NO. I guess that was my version of NO. I gotta fix this cuz being with Mr. X again isn't an option despite my urge to. Lets see how i get out of this one...


TBC

Jay.

August 4, 2009

I used to think i was simple....
I didnt..and dont understand why he couldnt see what i wanted from him. I didnt want dinners, flowers, nor poetry. I wanted..him. All of him. His doofy quirks, his sarcastic smile, his lush tendencies, his intermittent mood swings..all of it. thats what i wanted. him. Why cant he just look at me and tell that what i crave is his attention. His company. A glimpse from him. His embrace.

Clearly frustrated, he yells "what do you want from me?" This is it. The perfect moment to say "I want you to want me" or "I want you to love me" or "I want you to miss me" or"I want you to need me" This was it. The perfect moment to divulge what i've been holding in! I had the chance once, when I was on top of him...it was then when he grabbed my face and looked in my eyes...there was the chance to tell him. Tell him that i loved him; and that from THAT love came a pain so pure. Shoulda told him that it kills me when he's with her and how i dont understand what makes her better. But instead I just kissed him roughly hoping that his lips would seal my lips from speaking those blasphamous words. I kissed him roughly hoping that he would be so blinded by the lust that he would forget that in that split second he looked into my eyes, he saw my soul. His yelling brings me out of that quick flash back. Again he yells, "What do you want from me?" and I, I say...
NOTHING.
Tears roll down my face as, with much pride and guard, I whisper "I dont want anything from you."

hmm, I used to think I was simple...

Schizophrenic Love....

I love you...
______even when I'm hating you.
I can't live without you...
______even though I've thought of offing you.
Your voice moves my spirit...
______even when you're grinding my last raw nerve...
I'll stand by your side forever...
______I can't stand you.
I feel butterflies in my stomach when you're near...
______You make me wanna puke.
I love the way you touch me...
______You make my skin crawl...
You are the gentle man of my dreams...
______you are a nightmare with your plots and schemes.
I can't live without you....
_______I wish dying slow is what you would do...

I love you...
_______did I say I love you? I meant to say fuck you.

Freedom?!

Everything about him
spoke to the inner recesses
of my soul...
He came to me...
in a moment of adversity...
and he seemed to offer...
comfort...to me.
I so sincerely thought he was
just what i needed...
because love is blind...
I never heeded
the warning signs...
blinking like neon on a
Vegas strip...
I simply took the emotional trip with him...
and when I fell...he
held me for a little while...
and then he dropped me...
and he played this
vicious game of
cat and mouse with me...
he'd pick me back up and comfort me...
kiss away the pain and
whisper apologeties with lips pressed to
bruised and battered flesh...and I...
in all my naive stupidity wrapped up in a
comforting blanket of codependcy...
would listen to his words and
will myself to believe...
how could I ever have fallen prey to
such treachorous debauchery...
he...
made...
a fool of me.
Over and over again...he
never put his hands on me... oh no...
this was not one of those men to
ever mar or mark the flesh of a
woman...but he would
terrorize my soul...the very core of my being...
leaving me on the brink of
emotional death...
denying my spiritual breath...
and would act as though
a generic I'm sorry... sometimes laden with
condescension...would do...
oh...I was such a fool...
so manipulated and twisted in this
tangled fallacy of love...
and...in order to free myself...I had to
dismember myself...leaving behind
appendages... bits and pieces of self
still tangled within his hell...
and I may be
incomplete...
now that I am free...
and I may
still lament a love lost
to lies and the highest severity
of dishonesty...
but my wise mind
is now able to see...

Im FREE.

FINALLY.

"....There's a somebody I'm longing to see,
I hope that he turns out to be
someone who'll watch over me.

I'm a little lamb who's lost in the woods
I know I could
Always be good
To one who'll watch over me....

Won't you tell him please
to put on some speed
follow my lead
oh, how i need
someone who'll watch over me....
someone to watch over me ."

"someone to watch over me" Ella Fitzgerald

unadulterated

U.nrestricted explicit expressions...
N.ude, and unmasked, viewer discretion..is not
A.dvised....open your eyes...and look
D.eeply...into my soul...enter me...very slowly...and begin to
U.nravel...my emotions...keep on stroking...until you feel my
L.ove flowing freely...
T.reat me...like you need me...to compliment you...completely...
E.velop me...in pure pleasure...enrapture me...beyond simple measure
R.ead me...orally...and devour my...poetic treasure...
A.ssume your position...on your back in submission...cause baby it's my
T.urn now...i wanna know you...beyond the surface...immerse myself...and drown...
E.very drop of you i want to absorb,from the outside into core,open your pores
D.esires' anticipated...I want to make love to you...emotionally unadulterated

2 men diverged in a wood..

As i look down the road there two men i see

One is the one i love

the other is in love with me...



Soooooo which 1 do i choose?!! I think i made an observation that kinda answers my question...



One loves me unconditionally, without pretenses and truthfully, without a REASON!! no phone call from me does he receive. No attention. No consideration. No anything..smh. yet and still, as assuring as the sun rises and sets each day..he is there if i need him. He knows more about me than i know about myself. For every tear i've spilled over the other guy, he has replaced with a smile. It is only now, that life has forced me to humble myself, that i appreciate his love for me. Yet, and still, I....love the other.



and now..the other! The other, i love. The other, i have fallen in love with. The other, doesn't love me. He doesn't care. At my darkest hour, he's left me for dead to deal with things alone. He takes and doesnt give. He drains. He doesnt know how i wish to take away his pain and confusion. He doesnt know how much i would want to help him succeed, nor that i really care. Shit, he doesnt even know my favorite color. Doesn't care to know. And yet, he is the other...I...love the other.

At any given day, I chose "the other" and on any given day, "the other" would walk right past me. And so today, i say that tho i love u, other of mine, our few memories will remain as such....mere memories. And whenever i'm tempted to take a first class trip into your world..i'll remember. Remember the little of good and remember the lots of bad etched in time...



.....for we'll always have......

We now interrupt the regularly scheduled program of "Jay: the hot mess" to bring you this newsflash. . . .

ok, so clearly, i am a hot mess. My blogs of doom can testify to that (lol). The last few weeks have been a struggle emotionally, mentally, and physically.

Im

in searh of comfort. . .

yet

i remain inconsolable.

in search of an answer. . .

yet

i only find more questions.

in search of him. . .

yet

i find heartbreak.

I dont seem to be recooperating..so when u cant fix a broken appliance, buy a new one. And that is what this is about..displacement or rather is it deflection?! ANNNYYYYYYWAY, so yea..I've never been good at helping myself..CLEARLY..but i've always been good at helping others..

i learned today that CDF is having an awards/benefit dinner in D.C. the day of my bday...yaaayyyyy!! i want to goooooo. Those FEW that know me know that i loooovveeeee children, and aminals (purposely misspelled), and ice cream, and cookies, and words..ok i'm done lol. but yea smiling ppl make my heart smile..so i'm hoping that instead of looking for solace in his arms..i find them in the smiles of ppl who are in need of help

Children's Defense Fund...look it up...

http://www.childrensdefense.org/who-is-cdf/

Meet me in my nightmares...

I'm through fighting...
I'm through battling to
win you and your kiss...
who wants to exchange spirits
with lying lips?
Don't pretend like you
really wanna know how I'm doin'...
cuz it's just self gratification
you're pursuing...you like the thought
of me drowning in a pool of my
tears of despair...induced by you and the
heartless things you do...it's like you
have this insatiable need to
reach through my flesh and
pull my bleeding heart from me...
just to watch the blood drip
from the tips of your fingers...
you want me to hear you say my name
and have your voice linger...
an incessant echo...driving me insane...
but...I can't hear you anymore...
nor can I feel...and it's not
because I've healed...
it's because I've been muted...
apathetic through to the core of me...
and there's nothing more in me
then
cold criticism and cynical sarcasm...
You took the sparkle from my eye...
held it in the palm of your hand...
and pissed on it to
extinguish it...
there's no room in my bubble for you...
I'm not going through the trouble of
having you in my life... I'm through...

but what I can do...

is meet you in my nightmares...
because when we're there...
you make love to me once again...
and then...I slice and dice you
with my razor sharp tongue...
and I watch you bleed to death...
I close my eyes and drift to bliss
as I listen to the sounds of your
rattled breath...and I resurrect you...

each and every night...
meeting you there in my nightmares...
where I can have you inside me again...
and put an end to the torture that came
as a repurcussion
of
ever
loving
you...

I'll meet you in my nightmares boo.

....I sat alone....

I sat alone...
.
.
.
Gathering my thoughts
In the darkest corner
Of my life
.
As I wiped the tears
That built in the crevices
And fell from the lashes
Of my eyes
.
Wondering why...
.
I couldn't hold them inside...
.
And why...
.
My chest felt so tight
.
And why ...
.
If I wanted to scream out
The lump in my throat
Would silence the cry
.
I just wanted to breathe...
.
For once in my life
Without wondering when
My precious time
.
Would be up
.
And I'd have to pack up
Every single emotion
I brought to the table
.
After being able
And more than willing
To hand over my life
To be a part of his
.
Caring so much
For so little
.
Excited
That my indictment
Carries
A life sentence
.
In the state of loneliness
.
In solitary
Disown.me.ness
.
I'm innocent...
.
But no matter
How many times
I say the shit
.
The jury consists of them
And they're not in my favor
And my lawyer is a public defender
.
Working on the side
Opposite of mine
This summer feels
Like the coldest winter
.
Because my fingertips
Are icy cold
.
From having nothing
To grasp or hold
. .On to . .
Except thoughts running through
The empty spaces
Once occupied by you . . .