I Wrote it Down

With not one barbie
Or dollhouse
I sat alone on my bed
With just a pencil
Loose leaf paper
And the thoughts in my head

Writing my life
Balling it up
And throwing it next
To the trash can
Wondering if my mother
Would pick up the pieces
And try to understand

...Why I Am Tainted...

Or why i painted
Pictures of things
I wouldn't let her see
And why I kept quiet
To protect her even though
She didn't protect me

From sleeping
In semen soiled sheets
Or
Having nightmares
While i wasn't asleep
Or
Her boyfriends' hands
Being all over me
Or
From feeling dirty
Even after bathing excessively

...I wrote it down...

So that someone would know
Even if it was a piece of paper
That had not ounce of life
Because neither did I
While laying there being molested
Thinking "how many times do i have to die"
And that wasn't even the beginning

Let me just go
In my room
And write
About how you don't give a fuck
About me
Is that alright?!

Because my voice
To her
Doesn't mean shit
I mean...
It's not that the bitch doesn't hear it
But even if she did she wouldn't listen
I mean but at least she's not calling me "little bitch" ...anymore.... right???
Even though
Now It's too late
Because I answer to that shit
Like it's my name

Even though it's a word
That i hate
But now i'm used to it
So who am i to complain
I'll just fucking write it down...

As i sit here with
With my head towards the ground
And the music
Playing in my headphones
Way too fucking loud
Writing about all the fucked up things
That no one really knows about me
Well that they know
But don't know
The reasoning
.
...Like...
.
How i don't know what love is
Because I've never had anything like that
Or because I've been raped so many times
I purposely have rough sex and i don't even like that
But I have no other choice
Because i don't know anything else
And i don't know what it feels like
To be made love to...
Unless i'm doing it by myself
And then i go and write it down
See My erotica is a scene
That will make one horny
But when i'm finished I go into the bathroom
And the tears just start flowing
Because i don't want to be fucked
But no one would know that
Because i didn't get to finish writing
What i had to say
I ended it
Before it turned into something emotional
But hey...
Fuck it...
Because I did write it down
But i wrote it down
On the loose leaf sheets
That no one in the world
Sees But me.
The loose leaf sheets
Where i write down
All the thoughts
That i have about me .

The suicidal thoughts That I go back
On occasion
And re-read
Just to keep from actually hurting me
Because Somebody Needs Me...
Right???
Okay I think Somebody Might ....
So I'll just write
So that i won't forget
Anything that happened
But can look back on these pieces of paper knowing
That this isn't the end
And I can see where i've been
But because of it I'll know where i'm going
Because I Wrote It Down . . .