Oh how i love thee..

OoOOohhhh HALLOWEEN!!!



I LoOoOve Halloween!!!! Its my favorite holiday...ever!!! Usually I'm all cutesy..this year i'm going goth!! I'm going to be a kick ass vampire..woot woot.








COUNTING DOWN THE DAYS TIL HALLOWEEN AND MY BIRTHDAY..YAAYY! *sits down & stares at the clock*





In the interim..some interesting things that ive learned or have transpired..sooo:


1. I graduated from the Momentum Advanced course.


2. I discovered that in my past life I must have been a vargas girl


3. Humility isnt my forte..but thats ok lol :)


4. ice cream is the way to my heart


5. I was asked not too long ago what is it that i want from a guy...*smirks* my answer is simple: i want him to be intrigued by me. that is all. so to whomever asked me that question *as i know you religiously read my blog* there's your answer.





Lots more happened. But eh i cant go on writing forever. Lots of laughs. Lots of hugs. Lots of Love. I soo <3>

*peace, love & tequila*

Muah,

Jay

3 lined theoretics

We judge others by their behavior.

We judge ourselves by our intentions.

*quite the interesting species are we. no?*

AAAAAAAGHHHH

ITS MONDAY!!!

Still feeling sick :( but overall, great weekend. Laughed, drank, smiled. Getting back into the swing of living the life of Jay-----action packed, fun and well..just..AWESOME! Weekend started like this:

and now its monday so i look like this:

straight hurt looking!! lol eh..oh well...i dont feel well ..GAWSH!!

memorable quote of the weekend: "enthrall me" hahaha
memorable moment of the weekend: waking up to texts from certain ppl :)

This week: momentum education-part deux, partying, bar hopping...eh maybe even some poetry writing!

I think I found me. I missed ya!

TBC,

Jay

My conclusion

To love me . ..

Really love me

You would have to

Step out of your shoes

Taking a moment to feel what it is like to

Walk

Run

Jump

Dance

Kick

Stomp

and

STAND

In mine

Only in holding my heart

In the palm of your hand

Could you experience the delicacy of

Every emotion spent

Living

Loving

Laughing

Crying

Trying

To understand the expression you project

The thing you call love

It leaves me quite puzzled

For as it appears on the big screen

The image is quite distorted

Inflicting painful memories

Displaying intricate secretes of my heart

Omitting mine and showing only your truth

In fact your understanding of me seems quite aloof

This thought of love between you and me

While quite dashing

Only ends up clashing

With any form of reality

Yes the idea of you and me

Is all a fantasy

Because you fail to look beyond

Your desire to

Touch me

Taste me

Kiss me

Seduce me with poetry

And choose instead to open your soul

Taking in the true essence of me

You’re caught up in your dream of poetry

While I struggle each day with my reality

Not desiring to be

You

Me

She

Another mistress of poetry

But needing to be

One heart

One soul

One love For eternity!

You offer a round trip ticket to poetic fantasy

I desire a one-way pass to truth and reality

Different desires

Different destinations

One conclusion

You

Me

Existing seperately!

No more virgin..

In the last week my life has made such a shift!! It hasn't been a great week..in the least! Many tragedies have occurred this week. However, what has changed is my perception of things. I realized the doors that can open when you come from a context of empowerment. Case in point, I NEVER thought I would get over him, and now, he isn't even a memory. In the past weeks, I have dispelled all the useless ppl that have entered my life this year and replaced them with AHHH-MAZZZINNG ppl!!!

Went Sake Bombing last night with the momentum fam. They popped my sake bombing cherry..awww!!! :) My virginity..GONE!! Awesome time! Next adventure..drunk karaoke...burlesque spot....or Nuyo...hmmm woot woot.

::Sigh:: LIFE! ::smile::


Here's to overcoming pain

Here's to celebrating life

Here's to 50 random strangers..in one room..who became family

Here's to waking up drunk when you have a 9:30 court date!!

....and to the smile on my face that can't seem to go away


signing off,

Jay

Good intentions...

The road leading away from him is
paved with good intentions...
I intended to love him the way he
needed me to...to be the woman
he expected to see in me...I
intended to always be there for him...
when he needed me...even though
he was only here for me when it was
convenient for him. I intended to
ignore this lonely heart he
consistently left bleeding inside of me...
I intended to ... live for him... even though I was
dying inside of him... I had
poured myself into him...and he...
defined my identity...used to tell me
if he wanted my opinion...he'd
give it to me...and I...in good intention...
allowed him to govern me...
I intended to ignore the nightmares...
sending subliminal messages
telling me that I was sleeping....
with the enemy... I intended to
seek my shelter in him... intended to
see him as refuge...even though he
was never around when I needed him.
I intended to remain sweet and
fight the bitter urges that were
festering inside of me...I intended to
not push him away... but somehow...
my hands were on his psyche...
giving him a shove... I intended to ...
allow his curses on my name to
fall on deaf ears... but I heard him...
I intended to ignore the glare in his eyes
where the gleam once melted me...
I intended to not allow shame to infiltrate me...
but I realized...good intentions were going to be
the emotional and mental death of me...
and my eyes were beginning to see him in a
realistic spotlight...and his kisses were leaving
and acidic bitterness on my lips...and I began grieving...because...
being even his friend was something that
simply could not be... so...
the road leading away from him
is paved with my good intentions...
intending to be the woman
he needed me to be...
but bitterly...I concede...
that I simply cannot meet
his expectations of me...

so I walk away...
bitterly...

even though I intended...
not to be.

Momentumously Momentumous...

Sooo I completed and graduated this weekend from Momentum Education's basic workshop..aka..the "cult". lol

hmm..well..um....yea..lol. I can't explain it. Its experiential learning. Its beyond intriguing-so much, that I'm actually going to take the next-level course-which is the advanced course. Some asked me what its about..i cant explain it but it deals with: self-awareness, introspection, perception, and you in relation to the world. Same program..results are different for every person.

Best lesson i've learned: Life is not right or wrong. It just is.
Those who know even a lil about me know thats a HUGE lesson for me.

if you have a couple of hundred dollars lying around the house i definitely suggest you invest in the cirriculum :)


signing off,
Jay

Being Momentumous....

So, as promised, i'm reporting back about this cult thing...

Overall, not too impressed yet. Did learn one kind of disturbing thing about myself...I ONLY trust ppl that I consider to be weak or inferior to me. Furthermore, by the first time looking at you I have already determined if you are my equal or if you are weak. NOW as messed up as that sounds..lol..its the truth. and if that makes me an asshole for believing that..then guess what??! i will have to both acknowledge and embrace being an asshole.

When you stop telling people the story of who you are and REALLY just say who you are..no pictures, no explanations..just you ..defined..in..one..sentence..it is rather strange. When you are HONEST with yourself..i mean REALLLYY honest and verbalize that honesty you will be SHOCKED as to what comes out of your mouth.


of course my classmates, all of whom where talking about having low self esteem and low self confidence, are looking at me as if im crazy..lol *shruggs* oh well. you're weak. I'm not. deal with it. Needless to say ..i was the most arrogant person there. The trainer says theres a reason for my manifested arrogance..more than the eye meets. ..ehh..we shall see..


tonight..more momentum....*cue the suspense music*

Jay, interrupted

Geez i SWORE i pledged in Fall 08! why does it feel like i'm on line again?! PFT. Fall '09?! SLLLLLLLLeeeeeeeeeeeeppppppppppppppPPPPPPPPP come back!!! how i've missed thee!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHHHHH..going on boat loads of 5 hrs shot..smh. ok so a couple of new things since 2 days ago:

1. ITS A ......drum roll please....... BOOOOOOOOYYYYYYY!!!! hmm, I dont really know how to feel about that.

2. I got dooped into joining a cult..ha ha..THANKS V. pft! JK.

3. Despite the last 6 months of superfluous debauchery which had me doubting myself...I TRULY AM AWESOME!!! Like a phoenix, whose born from its own ashes, i RISE!! :)

4. I miss the following faces: bibi, renny, ray. not neccessarily in that order.

5. Neenz is trying to turn me out..smh. Now, now neenz...now, now *shaking finger*

6. people from my past are ALWAYS coming up wanting to be around me in some capacity..WHYY?! SHEESH!!

current mood: deliriously tired yet energetic; bouncy.

sooo YEAAAA..this cult thing...I got dooped into signing up for a life seminar called Momentum Education. look it up. It starts today..AAAAAAAARRGGHHHH. its a 4 day mini retreat of some sort. lets see how this goes, i heard it was pretty cool. feedback on the horizon.

ok so thanks for tuning into todays rambling. im to hyper to stay in the chair ..so addddyyyy-ooosss.

signing off,

faithfully yours,

Jay

Rain on me

The smell of the rain in the morning air
Leaves me longing for your fingers in my hair
As your kisses flood my lips
And your passionate thrusts between my hips

The crispness of the gentle wind
Leaves me longing to feel your arms again
Holding me close in your strong embrace
As your eyes cast light upon my face

The clouds hovering above
Leave me longing for more of your love
That love filled with raw passion and intense sincerity
That love that fills me completely
The storm leaves longing
For you to cum . .

RAIN

DOWN

ON

ME!

annnddd.....SCENE!!

The final curtain call
The great director screams scene
The end of this saga
The end of you and me
*****
Combing over the past
Wading through hurt and regret
Like walking on broken glass
Cut soles bleeding with every step
*****
With hate, love was so quickly replaced
I’m so tired of this space
Needing extreme relief
Praying for eternal peace
*****
To you nothing about me was right
Hurtful words streaming day and night
Every comment leading to a fight
A sweet kiss turned to a vicious bite
*****
Many days i felt i would succumb
to the painful state
Of madness pain and confusion
An existence built on the delusion
Of somehow you and me
Coexisting happily
*****
Before I walk away
Just a moment I need
To say goodbye to sadness
Make room for happiness
******
Walking away from this tragedy
Seeking the leading role of a romantic comedy . . .

Beyond Reach

What I want and need

Has been placed right before me

But still beyond reach

hmmmm

While I was away

Flowers I planted bloomed

He gave them to her

FINALLY

No more you, me, she

So happy to be just me

I’m finally free

Haiku-azy?!

So 1st..hiiiiii.. :) I'm OFFICIALLY back!!! ... and better than ever, might i add!! So i realized that i dont really write Haikus. Hmm i dont really like them. I guess its cuz im too long-winded for haikus lol. But on this boring work day i presented myself with a challenge as to how many Haikus i can write to pass the day...so i guess its about to get Haiku-azy up in here!! (get it? krazy..Ku-azy? no? ayy forget it) soooooo enjoy!!!


<3
Jay